Humour, Jokes and Comedy Clips http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php Sat, 04 Jul 2009 04:08:06 -0400 1440 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=78696 "This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"]]> Thu, 02 Jul 2009 02:42:10 -0400 78696 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=78363
Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall]]> Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:31:29 -0400 78363 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=78362
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."]]> Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:30:58 -0400 78362 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=78360
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!']]> Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:30:31 -0400 78360 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=78359
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"]]> Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:29:57 -0400 78359 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=78358
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
]]> Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:29:23 -0400 78358 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=78357 really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
]]> Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:27:14 -0400 78357 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=78355
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
]]> Thu, 25 Jun 2009 14:07:08 -0400 78355 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=78214
A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank with
a large paper bag in her hand. She told the clerk at the Teller Window that she
wished to deposit the 3 million dollars she had in the bag and open an account
with the bank.

She said that first though, she wished to meet the president of the Chase Manhattan
Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller looked in the bag and upon
seeing the bundles of $1,000 Bills, decided to telephone the Bank President.
The Bank President told the Clerk to send the lady right in.

The lady was ushered right into the Presidents huge office. Introductions were made
and the lady stated, “The reason I wanted to meet you is, I like to get to know the
people I do business with on a more personal level.” The Bank President asked her,
“How did you come into such a large sum, is it from playing the Stock Market?”
“ Heavens No”, said the little old lady, “I Place Bets!”

“You Bet?”, stammered the President, “On the Horses?”
“No,” said the old lady, “I Bet on people. In fact, I will bet you $25,000 that by
10 AM tomorrow morning, you will have a square scrotum

“Are you nuts?” He asked the old lady. “I will just take you up on that bet”.
He didn’t see any way he could lose that bet, but for the rest of the day,
the Bank President decided to take it very easy, after all $25,000 was at stake.

When the President got out of bed the next morning and took his daily shower,
he checked to make sure that everything was Okay there. There was no difference,
of course. He went to his Bank and waited in his office for the little old lady to show up..
Sure enough, 10 AM arrived and the little Old Lady was ushered into the President’s office.

The President was thinking that this would be a very good day-How often do you get handed
$25,000 for nothing? With the old lady was a much younger man, who she introduced as her
Attorney. She always took him along whenever a transaction involved this amount of money.
“So,, How did our bet go?”

“I don’t know how to tell you this, but I am the same as I always was,” Chuckled the Bank President,
“Only $25,000 Richer.”

“Before I hand over the money, I want to see for myself”, said the Little Old Lady.
Without even hesitating, the Bank President stood up and dropped his trousers and
shorts. The Old Lady instructed him to turn around and bend over, and grabbed him
by the scrotum.

Everything was fine. The President looked up and saw the Attorney Banging
his Head against the Wall. “What is wrong with him?, the President asked.
“Well”, said the Little Old Lady, I bet him $100,000 that by 10:15 this Morning,
I’d have the President of Chase Manhattan Bank by the Gonads.”


]]> Wed, 24 Jun 2009 02:03:10 -0400 78214 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=78151
A lady walks into the meat market and said:

Give me that pork head over there.

And the butcher replied:

I'm sorry ma'am, but that is a mirror.]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 02:03:23 -0400 78151 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=78147 were sitting (naked) in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at her questioningly.
"That was my pager," she said.
"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.
When she finished, she explained,
"That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The older woman felt very low-tech.
Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

She returned with toilet paper hanging from her be-hind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman said... "Well, would you look at that...
I'm getting a fax!"



]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 00:35:50 -0400 78147 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=78146 and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

''Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.''

Watson replies, ''I see millions of stars.''

‘‘what does that tell you?''

Watson ponders for a minute. ''Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it
tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we
are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What does it tell you?''

Holmes is silent for a moment, and then speaks. ''Watson, you idiot, someone
has stolen our tent.''


]]> Tue, 23 Jun 2009 00:32:41 -0400 78146 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=77394
However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was.

Meanwhile, a businessman entered the toilet and locked the door.

After the five minutes were up, the mother knocked on the door and called out, "Do you need any help with the zipper?"

From behind the door, a startled male voice said, "Good God!! That's what I call service!!!!!"]]> Thu, 11 Jun 2009 02:02:34 -0400 77394 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=77391
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."]]> Thu, 11 Jun 2009 01:00:55 -0400 77391 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=77343
And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"

And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"]]> Wed, 10 Jun 2009 05:38:21 -0400 77343 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=77342 But Andrew is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andrew, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." Matthew says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Andrew knocks at the girl's door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andrew's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghh!"]]> Wed, 10 Jun 2009 05:24:16 -0400 77342 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=77341 Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.

Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"]]> Wed, 10 Jun 2009 05:16:50 -0400 77341 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=77304
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice,
'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.']]> Tue, 09 Jun 2009 22:58:52 -0400 77304 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=77264 Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK!

Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’

The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
]]> Tue, 09 Jun 2009 04:20:18 -0400 77264 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=77263
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.
The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

“So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”

“It’s pretty nice,” she replied. “Except they won’t let me fart.”]]> Tue, 09 Jun 2009 04:12:16 -0400 77263