Humour, Jokes and Comedy Clips http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php Thu, 20 Nov 2008 20:55:00 -0500 1440 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=63946
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family
when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says,
“Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug
and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues,
“That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina.
That’s how you get a baby, honey.”
The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room
you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when
you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

]]> Thu, 20 Nov 2008 01:31:35 -0500 63946 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=63901 attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed,
"that you accepted $5,000 to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't
hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted $5,000 to compromise
this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said,
"Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was
talking to you."


]]> Wed, 19 Nov 2008 11:38:43 -0500 63901 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=63875 by a 17 year old kid someplace in Florida. They actually hired him too.
I think this kid’s gonna go far…

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President.
But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky,
I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and
a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible,
make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens
and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to
a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one,
would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU
FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be
“Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the
greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.



]]> Wed, 19 Nov 2008 02:17:16 -0500 63875 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=63753 man around that it offered a standing one thousand dollars
bet that no one could beat him.

The challenge was that the barman would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the
lemon to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one
more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers,
weightlifters and all had failed.

Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles
came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the barman said that it was
only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he
picked up a lemon and started squeezing.

Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man
who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto
the bar...

Everyone looked on in amazement as the barman handed
over the prize and asked,

"What do you do for a living that has given you such
strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"

"No" the man replied, "I work for IRS."


]]> Mon, 17 Nov 2008 12:00:30 -0500 63753 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=63581 his wife Rose had been to him and how fortunate he was
to be married to her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted,
Lord?"

The Almighty answered, "So you could love her, my son."

The man nodded.

"Why did you make her so good-looking, Lord?"

"So you could love her, my son", God replied.

"Why did you make her such a good cook?" he persisted.

"So you could love her, my son" came the answer.

John thought about it. Then he said " I don't mean to seem
ungrateful or anything, Lord, but what a stupid woman!
Why did you have to make her so stupid?"

God sighed, "So she could love you, my son."


]]> Fri, 14 Nov 2008 09:02:01 -0500 63581 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=63452 Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered
that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, Hey,
how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it any more?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting
to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said. "Okay, and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut
butter.

He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches;
I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look,
so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got
the neck and the gizzards.


]]> Wed, 12 Nov 2008 23:05:50 -0500 63452 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=63404
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all the beer
companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president
of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a
Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants
to drink, and much to everybody's amazement,
Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, than neither will I."

]]> Wed, 12 Nov 2008 08:37:19 -0500 63404 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=63322
Aussie Tracker

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists

the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian

Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered,

lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine.
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute.
It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has

Dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.

There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.

The Aborigine replied,

"I fell out of the f--- king thing about half an hour ago!"

------------------

Old men may walk slow, BUT think F A S T

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'


__________________

An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.
"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce,"
"Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."
"Yes Bruce."
"Shirl."
"Yes, Bruce?"
"You're bloody bad luck
______________________________________

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years
of living in
Shanghai . He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few
days after
moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and
welcome the
new guy to the region. So he goes next door. But, on his way up
the
drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard
chasing
about 10 hens; not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he
decides
to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to
try
again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks
through
the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then
drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to
put the
welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give
it one
last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a
bull
down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The
Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and
says:
Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over
to
welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard
after
hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and
then
today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just
about
S*** on you.? The Chinese man is very taken back and says:
Sorry sir, you no
understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these
Australian
Customs. What do you mean mate? says the Aussie, Those
aren't Australian
customs. Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me
replied the Chinese
man. He say to become true Australian, I must learn
chase chicks, drink piss,
and listen to
bull-S***'
______________________________________________

1) I am often assailed by Orstralians for being a pommie b...d whereupon I inform that I am a naturalised Ossie, lift my fringe to reveal the lobotomy scar.

2) An Australian is someone who moves comic books without moving his lips

3) If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs?

4) An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become irish before he can do so. It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain.
Anyway the englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and say "I am terribly sorry, theres been a mistake to be sure, we accidently removed 50% of your brain instead of 5%!"
The englishman sits up and simply say "She'll be right, mate"

5) An Aussie pirate walks into a bar with a wooden leg, a hook and an eye patch.
The Barman says 'Sheesh - How'd you lose the leg'

The Pirate says 'Arrrrr - A shark took it off at the knee'

The Barman says 'Thats no good, what about the hand?'

The Piarate says 'Arrrrg - Lost it in a bloody bar brawl'

The Barman says 'Jeez - Well what about the eye then?'

The Pirate says 'Thats easy a seagul crapped in it'

The Barman says 'What?!?!'

The Pirate says 'Arrrrrrr...I'd only had the hook one day...'
__________________


Darren Lockyer, the Pope, Kevin Rudd & a school boy were all on the same plane when the engine failed and started to plummet towards the Earth. They all realised that there was 4 of them & only 3 parachutes. Darren Lockyer got up & said I am a sporting superstar & must live so that I can please my fans & continue my career to beat the Kiwi's & the Poms in the tri- nations series. So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. Then John Howard got up and said I am the smartest Prime Minister Australia has ever have and I need to live to continue to govern the nation. Then the Pope said to the school boy & said I am old & have lived my life so you should take the last parachute. The school boy replied, no it's ok, the worlds smartest Prime Minister took my school bag so theres one for each of us!

---------------

Two married aussie buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and piss down me leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "His mate looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, piss hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw me shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!!
__________________
]]> Tue, 11 Nov 2008 08:59:05 -0500 63322 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=63257 was born without ears.

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital,
Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with
him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad mentioned that if he so much as hinted anything about
the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would
get the spanking of his life.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said,
"What a beautiful baby."

The new mother said, "Thank you, Little Johnny."

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."

"Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor
said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be in trouble
if he needed glasses!"

]]> Mon, 10 Nov 2008 08:41:55 -0500 63257 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=63150
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"]]> Sat, 08 Nov 2008 16:36:33 -0500 63150 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=63147
Mom Says]]> Sat, 08 Nov 2008 16:10:15 -0500 63147 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=63146
Funny Sleep Clip]]> Sat, 08 Nov 2008 16:06:14 -0500 63146 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=63145
World's First Help Desk]]> Sat, 08 Nov 2008 16:00:38 -0500 63145 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=63144
DogInPool.wmv]]> Sat, 08 Nov 2008 15:54:30 -0500 63144 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=63055
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced
ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative:
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never
really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said
he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything
checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the
system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew
he had the order, he didn't know when he would be
able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic
process but wanted three years to research, implement,
and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration:
he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether i
t was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice
product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk
about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...
God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really
excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer.







This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


]]> Fri, 07 Nov 2008 08:34:59 -0500 63055 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=62948 as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed
soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not
last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that
all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited
the doctor to get some advice.

“Doctor, I can’t seem to hold back for very long when I make
love to my young wife and I can’t satisfy her. What can I do?”

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in
a professional manner, “Try a bit of self-stimulation before
having intercourse with your wife and you’ll find that you’ll last
longer and ultimately satisfy her.”

“Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help.”

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to
let him know that she would be attacking him at the front
door when he arrived home.

“Be prepared, my darling. I’m going to ravish you,”
she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor’s advice.
But where? In the office? The Xerox room?
What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon
he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over,
climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting
the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck,
closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife,
and began his “therapy”.

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his
therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg.
Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy
he was enjoying, he said, “Yes?”

“Sir, I’m with the Police Department. Could you tell me
what you are doing, please?” said the officer.

“Yes, officer, I’m inspecting my truck’s rear axle,”
he replied confidently.

“Well, why don’t you check the brakes while you’re down
there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago.”

]]> Wed, 05 Nov 2008 15:58:27 -0500 62948 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=62896 The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and
that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males
employed there. She asked if there was something which she
could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely
professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss,
he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest
level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to
discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of
problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what
you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the
absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company
car, and $3000 a month living expenses.




]]> Tue, 04 Nov 2008 19:39:45 -0500 62896 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=62816

A minister told his congregation,

"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help
you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said,

"Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with
my sermon on the sin of lying."





]]> Mon, 03 Nov 2008 12:31:10 -0500 62816 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=62784 to New York for the Labor Day weekend.

To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one
wanted to room with Daryl, the Grenadian, because he snored so
loudly. They decided it wasn't fair for the same person to stay
with Daryl every night, so they voted to take turns.

The Jamaican slept with Daryl on the first night and came to
breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes
all bloodshot.

They said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Daryl snored
so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was the Barbadian's turn. In the morning,
he arrived for breakfast with hair all disheveled, eyes all blood-shot.

They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said,
'Man, that Daryl! He shakes the roof. I watched him all night.'

The third night was the Trinidadian’s turn. Frank was a big burly wrestler
from Laventille.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and chipper.
'Good morning,' he said. The others couldn't believe it!

They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, when we got ready for bed I went and tucked
Daryl into bed and kissed him good night ...

He sat up and watched me all night.'




]]> Sun, 02 Nov 2008 21:24:19 -0500 62784 http://www.dreamteammoney.com/index.php?showtopic=62663
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send
someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,
"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street
and you pick her up there?"




]]> Fri, 31 Oct 2008 13:13:29 -0400 62663